Rach-Face!

This time of year is kinda difficult as of right now. Memories are your best friend when its a good one, but cuts sooo deep when its bad. I will just be driving past somewhere, and the whole feeling of that time comes back because of the weather, music, specific event that happened on the same day last year, etc. It sucks. I just want to be able to block the stuff out..good and bad...cause it all led to the demise of the character I desired to be. I know I torture myself and hold my actions sometimes as too weighty, but if you knew anything about my background and beliefs religiously and so forth you could understand a little bit more. I use to pride myself on actions I swore I would never take, those very actions were the ones I was led into. Yes it was my choice, but I was blinded, by the words of someone I loved, with the assurance of them by my side. Where are they now when I am facing what I did with you? I guess these are the reasons I find it hard to trust or allow myself to love. Because all love is blind at some point. You don't want to see the bad, but everything has some in it. If I was tempted, fooled by, and loved a person who really was never worth my time, then what about someone who does actually treat me right, and isn't just in it for part time pleasure? What would I find myself capable of doing then? It scares me sometimes. I was hurt bad by that person...a lingering pain that still effects me to this day. That for me is really annoying to admit. The most aggrivating part is that I know he will never get what he did, never fully understand and appreciate what I did for him or what I gave him and the lack of what I got back in it all. I was used and abadoned when it got rough. I am doing the best I can right now in a lot of things. I am happy with a lot of stuff in my life...friends and so forth...it's just different. Odd even. Things can change so much in a year's time, it absolutely blows my mind....